7 Steps To Open Your Heart and Receive

Spring is my favorite season. 

To me, it symbolizes letting go of the old and inviting the new. It’s a time of renewed faith, hope, blossoming, and fruition.

To invite the energy of this new season, I thought it would be nice to create a 7 step process that will help you open to receive the newness that this beautiful season has to offer.

It’s all about letting go of your past perceived failures and flaws, and opening up to the newness that is trying to make its way into your experience.

So here are 7 steps that will help point you in the right direction of manifesting newness into your life.

1. Clearing

In order to welcome the new, you must clear out any old or preconceived notions that you have about yourself or your ability to create in your life. You may have been creating by default before, or you may not have given yourself permission to fully dream and let go, but now is the time. Drop any ideas about yourself that do not support the state of being that you would like to reside in.

2. Realign With Your Heart’s Desire

What is it that you really want? It’s okay to say it. It’s okay to acknowledge that you may need help around the house, you may want more money, or to live more comfortably. You may want to reside in a place with warmer climate or attract a new mate. Whatever it is, don’t be ashamed of it. Take this moment to declare what you want. Write it down. Acknowledge it as sacred, and know that because it is a true heart’s desire, it can make its way to you.

3. Understand That There Is A Path 

Everything that you really desire has a way of making itself to you. The most beneficial state of being to be in is one of expectation. Understand that there is a path available for you to get what you really desire. You may not see it right this moment, but just the acknowledgment of the path is a start. It’s a welcoming state, and helps you let go of resistance.

4. Pay Attention To The Signs

Your work is not to make things happen. Your work is to acknowledge when you are on the path to it. When people come out of nowhere and start talking about the thing that you desire, smile and know that that’s a sign that you are on the path to it. Pay attention to any flashes of insight that you receive. Pay attention to your intuition and any strong urges that you might receive to move in the direction of something.

The thing that you desire – desires you too, and it’s a natural thing for you to create. It’s just that you may not have consciously been aware of your power to determine what you want for your life, and actually get it.

You just have to pay attention to the signs that are leading you to it. Try to relax and play with this part, and just let the signs come to you. When you try to get too involved you mess up the playfulness of things.

5. Surround Yourself With Things That Support Your Desire 

Try to keep yourself in a good mood no matter what. Surround yourself with people who are doing what you love to do. Go to the places that support your dream, or write about what it will feel like once you achieve your dream. Try to do things that support your dream.

That means staying in a good mood and knowing that you can achieve it, even if the way hasn’t shown itself to you yet. Try to remain positive about the outcome. Here is a simple meditation that will help you align with positivity.

When you keep yourself in a positive state of being, you are more open to receiving the signs quicker. You are tuned into the messages that are trying to reveal themselves to you when you are open and receptive.

6. Give Freely Without The Expectation Of Receiving

I know this is difficult for some people, but try to just give without the expectation that you will receive something in return. Think of all the times you needed guidance, or wished something special would happen to you. What if you started creating those kind of experiences for other people?

They say that you get what you give, and if you create beautiful experiences for others, the quicker you are able to attract those same kinds of circumstances into your own experience.

7. Have Fun 

Play around with things. Ease up. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Sometimes we get so frustrated when it seems like things aren’t going our way, but I am here to tell you that frustration just keeps you stuck in the cycle. Try to ease up a little bit. You are going to be okay. You will have what you really desire one way or another. Let’s just try to consciously create rather than having things happen by default. It’s beautiful when you feel your connection to all that’s around you.

I hope you have fun welcoming the new!

Thanks for reading!

heart Nay

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Try The Angels Out – Go Ahead They Won’t Bite

Angels

My spirit guides are funny. 

I can feel them sometimes when I am angry – just sitting in the background waiting. It’s almost like they are watching a child throw a tantrum, and then after a few minutes of entertaining themselves, they will then say, “okay come here and calm down a little”.

They try to reach me, and when I don’t listen they just sit back and watch me, eat their popcorn (kidding), and wait for me to ease up. Once I ease up and allow the space to receive the answers, they are right there to address my concerns.

Don’t we All get like that sometimes? 

We get so stuck in our ways, so stubborn, and so unwilling to accept the help that is right in front of our face. I do it from time to time, and I know that you may do it from time to time too.

This stubbornness comes up especially when we are entering new parts of our experience. Think about it. When we are going after what we really want or trying to follow our dreams, we start this cycle of self sabotage.

We tell ourselves that we aren’t good enough, we don’t deserve better lives, we aren’t educated enough, or that we don’t have enough time or resources to make our dreams come true. The truth is however, you are just giving yourself a really hard time. You don’t have to do that, but sometimes we just go there by default.

It’s an old system.

We are use to avoiding things that make us feel uncomfortable – especially when it comes to following our dreams, but what if the process wasn’t as painful as you believe it is? What if it’s liberating? Try stepping out on faith just this once. Trust your intuition.

The angels are here to offer you a space.

The space is open for you to be honest about how you truly feel about yourself. Tell them what hurts you, tell them what’s frustrating you, and how you truly see yourself, and the angels will respond with love, sincerity, and attention.

They aren’t going to tell you just what you want to hear. They are going to show you where your perception of yourself may be a little off. They are going to let you know what they truly see from their perspective. Sometimes you just have a difficult time accepting your goodness and your good qualities. I understand. That’s why we are here to help.

It’s not difficult to allow this positive energy into your space.

It’s not difficult to allow something new. The only difficulty, is holding on to old outdated ways of looking at things when there is help and assistance all around.

So go ahead, tell the angels what you feel, let it out, get it off of your chest. At the very least, you will have friends there that will listen and respectfully reply to your concerns.

I can also assure you that you will receive so much more than that when speaking to the spirit guides known as Ray. They are here and willing to help you, but you have to be willing to allow the help and to receive the answers you have been waiting for.

Go ahead, give them a try. If you need to know more about Ray before deciding to work with them – you can read some of their messages here or see some of their video messages here.

If you are ready to give them a try – follow me here.

We can help you see things differently, but you have to be willing to accept the help. It’s here for you.

Thanks for reading!

heart Nay

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Every Moment Is Brand New

New Moment

This Post Was Inspired FROM A Chapter In the New Book i am writing -(Soul Guidance – Finding Your Way Home).

Where do you feel you’ve gone wrong? Where does your heart ache for a new beginning? Why does your past have you so tight in its grip?

Realize One Thing…

Every moment is brand new. {Renee “Soul Writer” Brooks}

 

No matter what you feel you’ve done wrong, you have a new moment right now to make it right. 

The “rightness” of something has nothing to do with other people’s opinions of it.

The “rightness” of any experience in your life has only to do with you and your peace with what is.

You may not have even made a mistake, but your feelings about it are what causes the dark cloud of regret to hang over your head. You may not have even made the wrong decision, but the weight you carry around about your choice, is what causes you to feel burdened. In any moment, you can make the choice to move in the direction of what feels better.

Every moment is brand new.

The purpose of these words, is for you to see that you don’t have to wallow around in regret. You don’t have to punish yourself for anything that you feel you have done wrong. You have a brand new moment – with each new breath that you take.

If you have been waiting for permission to let go of the past, to forgive yourself, or to get a do over – this is it. You have been granted permission.

Remember from this point forward however, that it is best that you move in the direction of your true spirit, of your true calling, of what your integrity says you should do, according to your own morals and standards, and not according to the will of others.

Moving according to the will of others may be what got you in trouble and in a low place the first, second, and third time around.

There is liberation in the understanding that every moment is brand new.

You can choose from this brand new moment to redirect your energy, turn negative thoughts around, feel things out a bit more, say no when your gut wants to say no, take your time if you feel you need to, and try again, if that’s what the situation calls for.

Once you realize the newness of every moment, you will feel lighter and easier about your life.

The next time that a difficult situation comes around and presents itself to you, you’ll be working from a new understanding. You won’t feel pressured, or hurried, or like your choice is so heavy that it cannot be reworked.

Life will always throw you a new scenario, a new piece, a new opportunity, and a new experience.

Your work is only to recognize the new moment, and follow your inner promptings to rise and meet it.

Nothing is in vain.

Either you grow or you learn.

Things can also change in an instant, but it takes a shift first. That shift comes from within – from a change of perspective, from permission to move on, and from forgiving yourself.

Release the burden right now.

Every moment is brand new.

Thank you for reading!

heart Nay

Tools For Rebuilding Yourself

Rebuilding

Yesterday we talked about the inner work of rebuilding yourself.

For those of you that missed that post, you can read it here.

Today, I am going to offer you some tools that may help with the process.

These tools have helped me personally, and it is my privilege to be able to share them with you. Although the tools may seem like simple suggestions, believe me, they work wonders. It’s only when we stop looking for solutions outside of ourselves and tap into the infinite resources within, that things start to shift in our lives.

I hope these tools help you on your journey!

1. Journaling

  • Journaling is a therapeutic tool.
  • You can savor the fact that your journal will not talk back, interrupt, or judge what you say.
  • Journaling also helps you process the events that have happened and your feelings towards them.
  • Writing down what you feel stops you from harboring those feelings inside.
  • Sometimes we just need the space to tell things how we have “seen” them or “experienced” them, and journaling allows you to do that.

2. Pay Attention To Your Negative Self Talk

    • We all do it. We speak down to ourselves, we call ourselves stupid, or beat up on ourselves. This scare tactic does not do you any good.
    • You would never talk to a close friend or those you love the way that you talk to yourself sometimes. So give yourself that same respect.


  • When negative self talk starts, ask yourself, “is this really coming from me?” Nine times out of ten that negative voice is not your own voice. Ask yourself who is it that is speaking for you? You may hear the answer, “this is fear speaking”, “this is anger speaking”, or “this is insecurity speaking”. Either way, recognizing it is a huge step.
  • Once you recognize how you are speaking to yourself, and that most of the time it’s coming from some place other than your true self, you can then start to speak to yourself in a way that is more productive, insightful, and uplifting.

3. Pay Attention To Your Nighttime Dreams

  • For those of you who read my blog regularly, you know that I am a huge fan of tapping into the wisdom of your dreams. As a matter of fact, I have a whole website dedicated to helping others discover the meaning of their dreams.
  • Don’t take these theatrical stories that your mind dreams up for granted. They show you all that is going on inside you. How you feel, what you desire, and the vast potential of your creativity all shows up in your nighttime dreams.
  • Even if you don’t want to dig as deep as decoding your dreams, you can keep a dream journal, just to read and see how vivid your inner world really is. Keeping a dream journal is simple. If you don’t have one, or you don’t know how to start one, you can take a look at the steps I have outlined for you here.

4. Allow Your Emotions

  • This one may be difficult for some of you, but it’s worth it.
  • We discussed in the previous article that society expects you to have it all together, keep it all together, and show no signs of the contrary. Well that is ridiculous. We are all human, and we have feelings and emotions so that we can cleanse ourselves. Allow yourself to cry, allow yourself to vent, allow yourself a moment of anger, but please don’t stay there.
  • Feel your emotions, examine them, see when they are triggered, and just be with them for a few moments. It’s okay to not have it all together. We are human – not Mr. and Mrs. Perfect. Your going to feel moments of disappointment, sadness, anger, and resentment. Feel those emotions. The only thing that hurts is when you deny the opportunity for you to feel and release them.

Because pain is just emotion trapped in the body.

  • Allowing these emotions gives you the permission to set them free.

5. Be Patient With Yourself

  • It’s okay to mess up. It’s okay to make a mistake. It’s okay to not know what you are doing. It’s called “being human”.
  • Take your time with these steps.
  • If you feel you have messed up somewhere, recognize that every moment is brand new. You can start again. Just allow it.
  • It’s okay to have bad days. A bad day and bad feelings are just a sign for you to show a bit more compassion towards your situation. Bad days are an opportunity for you to show yourself a little more patience.
  • You don’t have to get it all right – right from the jump.

6. Trust Your Intuition

  • Every post that I write is me trusting my intuition.
  • I pay attention to my dreams, I pay attention to my inner promptings, and even sometimes when I doubt myself, I erase those thoughts, and trust myself anyway.
  • No one knows you better than the “inner you”.

I was also going to say – allow your missteps, but that goes right along with being patient with yourself. Sometimes we just don’t get it right, and to even soften that a bit, sometimes there is just a better path for us, and it just takes some readjusting (attitude wise), to get back on track.

Rebuilding yourself is a process, but we have a choice everyday. We can go through life miserable, stuck, and afraid, or we can try (taking one step at a time) to rebuild ourself.

Thank you for reading!

If you have some tools for rebuilding yourself, please feel free to share them in the comments section.

Also, if you like this post, don’t forget to hit like, share, and subscribe.

heart Nay

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Freedom Friday: Becoming Who I Am

Set Yourself FreeMy Freedom Friday Post Is About Shedding All That Is Not Real

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A year and four months ago I decided to do something that was down right crazy. I decided to shave off all of my hair.

Now that might not mean anything to you, but for me – it meant everything.

Inside, I always had a burning desire to do it, but there were so many reasons why I felt that I couldn’t. This experience was very personal to me, so I am going to be open and honest about the reasons why I felt I couldn’t do it.

The first thing is that most “women” define themselves by how womanly they look. Long hair, their shapely bodies, glowing skin – you know – all of the things that make women feel attractive and beautiful. I was going through an internal conflict. How could I feel like a woman without one of the major traits that makes a woman feel beautiful?

I felt like without my hair – I would be less womanly and unattractive.

I am also an African American woman, and growing our hair (for some of us) is as rough as finding our way through life. So when I actually grew a nice head of hair, the thought of chopping it off sometimes was like getting rid of something that I had put alot of hard work into. It was very difficult through the years to grow my hair because it had been damaged by perms, heat, neglect, and stress.

But something within me kept calling me to expose that part of myself- the part of me that had no hair. I had no idea why the call got louder and louder – it just did.

Finally, one day I woke up and my hair had started forming dreadlocks. I was neglecting my hair and it was showing me the results of that neglect. By the way, I hate dreadlocks on females. Just my opinion – don’t kill me.  I decided that I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. So I took the scissors and made the first cut. Just like that, cut right into it. There was no regret, no tears, and no kicking and screaming on the floor. Just snipped it right off. The next morning I went to the barber shop and got it cut properly.

When I went home and looked in the mirror I was shocked. I could not believe what I saw. There I stood almost bare bald, and I still looked beautiful. As a matter of fact, I felt more beautiful than when I had hair. The experience was totally liberating. Not only didn’t I have to deal with my hair anymore, I could actually see my face.

I think our souls call us to the edge sometimes. They call us to shed the things that are not true about ourselves. The thoughts that I wouldn’t be beautiful, womanly, or attractive without my hair were not only false they were also things that blocked me from seeing my true beauty. Once you recognize the truth and get rid of the lies you have been telling yourself, your real beauty can show. The truth was – I was not my hair, and I was holding onto false impression of who I would be without it. Real beauty called me, and it was a call that I couldn’t “not” answer.

For this “Freedom Friday” post. I am going to list all of the things that I feed myself that are negative. We speak to ourselves so negatively sometimes. We tell ourselves lies. Those lies corrupt the person who we came here to be. In order to grow into yourself, you have to let go of the ideas that are not true about yourself. Your real self is here to express. How can your real self express itself through you, if you are holding ideas about yourself that are not true?

So here goes. Here’s my list of lies that I’ve told myself throughout the years. Here is where I can express it, and then cut the cord from these things for good.

It helps to go through the process. Just like cutting my hair helped me see the truth.

So here are the lies.

I am not good enough, I’ll never amount to anything, I’m not smart enough, my parents never taught me that, I’m not good with money, I don’t deserve another chance, I messed up beyond repair, I am inadequate, I don’t have the knowledge, I can’t do that, I’m ugly, I’m not attractive, I’m nothing, I’m worthless, I don’t deserve God’s love.

I’ve messed up so much in life, I made a big mistake quitting my job, I’m stupid, I don’t deserve to receive blessings, maybe I didn’t try hard enough, maybe I’m not worthy, black women have such a hard time making it, I don’t have any examples to follow, I have no support, no one is helping me, I can’t do this alone, I can’t find my way, I don’t deserve the good life, royalty and riches are only for a certain kind, I am being punished for my past mistakes, I can’t make it without my grandparents, I’ll never get my house, I’ll never make it.

I’m cursed, I’m doomed, there’s a black cloud over my head, something is influencing my life, something is trapping me, someone else has power over me, I can never be my own boss, I am not attractive enough, I am not beautiful enough, my teeth are not straight enough, I don’t have it,  I don’t have what it takes, I’m not fit to be a mother, I don’t know what I’m doing… and the list goes on and on, but it feels so good to free up some space!

The cord is cut…

Without a regret at all…

I leave this stuff behind…

There is better for me, once I see that all the stuff I have been feeding myself is a lie.

Thanks for reading!

Are you ready to shed the lies you have been telling yourself? If so, don’t forget to click the “leave a comment” button at the top of the post, and share your story. If you prefer to share the post on your own blog please be sure to add the words Freedom Friday to your post & link back to this post.

finished-heartNay

Freedom Friday: Am I Alive?

Set Yourself FreeMy Freedom Friday Post Is About Feeling Seen & Being Heard

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A macbook pro is on my lap, tons of papers scattered about, son to my right – laying damn there underneath my thigh. I hear the twist of the doorknob; it’s my husband. He smiles at me, kicks his shoes off, and drops his book bag where he stands. He doesn’t even realize that I just cleaned the house, and probably doesn’t care.

He forces his legs between the table and the couch so that he can make space to dive into my face with a kiss. I start a conversation about a great article that I read early that day. One that inspires me even. He knows that I have been down, and am fighting my way back to some kind of stability.

He reaches down to pick up the chubby-cheeked miracle that is laying next to me. I look up in his direction trying to make eye contact. He is swirling around with his bundle of joy in his arms. Of course, it’s the right thing to do, but the connection is lost between him and I, but vibrant and alive between he and our child.

My shoulders sink and I can feel my heart break. “Am I alive? Am I here? Am I heard?” I think to myself.

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I’m in my home office with my face in my hands for the 100th time. Tears are pouring out from my eyes in buckets. I am blabbering words that no sane human-being could understand, but praying that God can somehow make out what I am saying.

“I didn’t mean to quit my job. I am so sorry. I wanted something better. I couldn’t be there anymore. It was draining me. Please God forgive me. Please give me my financial freedom back. Please get me out of this mountain of debt. I am trying everything I can to make it. I don’t want to be like the rest of my family. Broke. Poor. Begging for spare change. Barely able to get myself the basic needs.”

I am able to catch a breath for a half a second and then I continue.

“Please God, I don’t want to depend on my husband anymore. I want my own money. I’m glad he’s here, but I need to feel independent. I’ve poured my heart and soul into my books and tons of people are reading them, but no one is buying them. I tried everything that I had the strength to try. Please God. Please. Am I alive? Am I here? Am I heard?” I question as I wipe the snot from my nose with my sleeve.

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I’m flipping through the pages of a catalogue and my eyes come across a beautiful set of candles. I smile. Why? Because I love candles. They lift my spirits.

I run my hand over the glossy page of the catalogue as if my gentle caress will somehow generate a wormhole for the candles to appear. I’m ignited for a second when I notice what catalogue I’m reading. “Bed, Bath, and Beyond. It’s not that far away; maybe 15 minutes at most. I can make it there,” I think to myself with optimism.

My eyes drift to the right. There’s a stack of mail sitting there. There’s a letter addressed to me with big bold letters that reads CREDIT SOLUTIONS INC. I know that it’s another bill, from the same people who wrote me last week, demanding all the money I owe them.

The letter lovingly (sarcasm) reminds me of the fact that I don’t have the money in my account to purchase the candles anyway. I close the Bed, Bath, and Beyond booklet disgusted with myself and the world in general. “Can I just admire something without feeling guilty. I just want some damn candles. It’s not too much to ask. Am I Alive? Do My Desires Matter? Am I heard?” I think to myself.

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It’s a week or two after my birthday. My sister shows up to my house with one of my favorite people (my niece). We all sit down in the living room and chat for a few. After a while she says, “I have a birthday gift for you.”

I’m shocked, because I really didn’t expect to receive anything from her. I sit back with anticipation as she reaches in her black oversized pocketbook and pulls out a $25 Children’s Place gift card.

“It’s not about you anymore,” she says with a laugh. “It’s all about the baby when you have kids,” she finishes. My shoulders slump and my heart breaks. “I didn’t know that having children meant I wouldn’t exist anymore. Does she see me? Does she care? Am I alive?” I think to myself. 

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Freedom Friday’s are all about releasing the things that hurt us the most. It’s about freeing up space to allow the new things to enter your life. It’s about being completely honest about the things that are hurting you to the core, making you doubt yourself, and causing you to lose hope. On Freedom Friday’s we have the space to let it out. To say it. To release it, and remove it from our bodies and minds.

Here today, I confess that I have been having a rough few years. Despite it all, I still put on my hat and go to work. I don’t mean a physical work place. I mean doing what I can to improve myself, continuing to write, continuing to try to see the good in things, and continuing to put myself out there no matter what. Something in me will not let my dreams die. The voice inside is much different than my own critical voice. It’s compassionate, patient, accepting, and comes up with ways to try and help me move past this rough patch. Writing is one of the ways that I am able to let it out.

I don’t know what the details of my future are, but I do know how I want to feel.

If I just have that little piece, I have a step.

Going forward I would like to feel,

Abundant, Appreciated, Considered, Important, Blessed, Forgiven, Seen, Supported, Inspired, Comforted, Helped, Acknowledged, Aligned, Fruitful, Relieved, Financially Stable, & Gifted.

I let out a long deep breath and allow my heart to send a message out to All That Is.

I can’t do this alone.

finished-heartNay

Freedom Friday: The Year I Ruined Christmas

Set Yourself FreeMy Freedom Friday Post Is About Christmas Time

I don’t know why this incident has been on my mind lately, but nevertheless, I feel the need to acknowledge my feelings towards it, make amends with it, and let it go. That is what Freedom Friday posts are all about. This story happened when I was about 15 or 16 years old and it’s when my grandparents were living.

It was Christmas time and I remember telling my grandparents that all I wanted for Christmas was a cordless phone. I was a teenager and of course I wanted to be cool and fit in – which I am sure many of you can relate to.

Anyway, I remember attempting to go to bed about 11 pm on Christmas Eve and before I went to bed I went to check underneath the Christmas tree to see how many gifts I had received and what sizes they were.

When I went to check under the tree there was 1 gift. It was a small box and to me, it did not look like the cordless phone that I had spent two months prior telling my grandparents that I wanted. All I can say is – I Was Not Happy.

So I tried to go to bed but this irritating feeling was inside of me. My mind chatter was constant and I wasn’t able to go to sleep right away. I was thinking to myself, “this is crazy, they knew what I wanted, why didn’t they get me what I asked for, why would they get me a stupid gift instead of what I really wanted” – and on and on the negative chatter went.

I found myself getting up several times during the middle of the night to look at the box again. I even shook the box to see if I heard anything in it. The contents in the box didn’t make a sound – which made me even more frustrated.

I went back into my bedroom and then a little devil appeared on my shoulder and told me to go and open the gift. Now everything in my body told me not to do it. I stopped myself several times from walking into the living room by turning myself around and going back into my bedroom. I mean I almost literally was being pulled in the opposite direction. My conscious SCREAMED to me – donnnnnn’t do it!

Before I knew it I was in the living room, right next to the tree, tearing off mini pieces of the wrapping paper to try and get a sneak peak at what was inside the box. Once 10% of the paper was torn off, I figured I might as well just rip the bandaid (the other 90% of the wrapping paper) off.

I opened the present and would you believe that it was my cordless phone. The very gift that I said that I wanted. I smiled so hard that my face hurt. Once I got through the initial excitement I was then possessed to plug up the phone to charge it. Because you know that I had to be able to use it immediately.

So the gift’s open, the cordless phone is stretched across the living room floor, and my grandparents are waking up to see what the noise is in the living room.

My grandfather was the first one out of the room, and when he saw that I opened my gift he was so furious. He was devastated. He went on to say some things like, “he wanted to see me open it, and why would I do that, and why couldn’t I wait” or something of that nature.

My heart sank.

I was just an excited, eager, impatient kid, and I ruined Christmas for my grandparents. I still carry that with me to this day. I think about it all the time; especially when it gets close to Christmas time. I don’t know why I carry something so small and childish around, but I do. I guess it’s the look on his face that said – you disappoint me and ruined this Christmas, that makes it hurt the most. 

There was no way for me to take it back. I wish I hadn’t opened the gift. That day was one of my biggest regrets. I had what I wanted, but I had broken my grandfather’s heart. 

I want to say here and now that I am sorry grandpa for being so impatient, and for not waiting. I am sorry that you didn’t get to see the joy on my face when I opened my present. I want to thank You and Granny for getting me what I asked for even though you guys didn’t have a lot to give. I want to thank you for thinking of me and for considering what I really wanted. It meant the world to me. It really did. I only hope that I can put a smile on my child’s face as wide as the one that you gave to me that year.

I am ready to let that go with a heartfelt apology and an even more heartfelt thank you.

I love you!

finished-heartNay

Fatherless, Heartbroken, Repaired

Little Girl

A Short Story:

Olivia ran downstairs from her fortress that she built using a few books and two blankets stretched from bed to dresser. She hopped down the stairs and stood next to the front door. It was the week before Christmas and she had waited patiently all day for her father to arrive home.

Before then, she was upstairs inside of her fortress praying to God. You would think that her prays were offered so that she would get a new doll, or the pink bike that she wanted, or a dream come true – a new power wheeled sports car. But her prayers didn’t reflect any of those material things. She had prayed for something that every little girl should have.

She couldn’t wait to see if her prays had worked. As she stood by the big solid wooden door, her mother cautioned her to move back. Her father was large and he usually swung the door open with force, not paying any attention to who may have been standing in the path of it.

She waited eagerly, and when her father opened the door she jumped into his arms. He picked her up and swung her around. She was ecstatic. Her cheeks could hardly hold the joy that she felt inside. When he released her, he headed towards the kitchen. She ran in front of him enthusiastically showing him all of the things that she had received from school that day.

A picture of her class, two lollipops (one for him and one for her), and her reward for being on her best behavior.

“Mrs. Smith, gave me a gold star today daddy. I was so good in class, see,” she said reaching her small hand up to him to show him the gold star that was there.

“That’s nice sweetie,” he replied.

As his heavy footsteps made there way towards the kitchen, Olivia froze holding her breath. She was hoping that he was just going into the kitchen to give her mother a hug or a kiss perhaps, but he headed for the fridge.

Olivia stood there looking up to the ceiling which supposedly held the eyes of God. When he pulled out the bottle her hopes deflated. Her 7 year old mind could not fathom why her father would come home and see her beautiful smiling face and walk to the refrigerator to get a beer. Wasn’t she enough?

Friday night her dad was stumbling barely able to speak.

Saturday her dad was hung over, in a pissy mood, and didn’t want any company.

Sunday… sweet ole sunday… her daddy would dress his best and make his way to church. He sang so beautifully with his baritone voice. He even reached down from time to time to hold her hand. That gave Olivia hope. She knew that God was real, because on Sunday her dad was somewhat present.

Fast forward ten years and Olivia is in a relationship with a boy who is very disrespectful. He doesn’t beat her, no. He sees her on a regular basis, yes, and even tells her from time to time that he loves her. He even calls her pretty. She looks into his eyes holding on to his comments for dear life. She was never told that before. Not in the way that her boyfriend said it to her. He gives her what she wants to hear so that he can fulfill his bet with his friends.

“I bet you she’ll sleep with me. She has daddy issues, and she thinks I’m her knight and shining armor,” he says heckling with his friends.

Her dad hears about this boyfriend that she has and he is furious.

“How could you let someone disrespect you? Treat you like garbage? Can’t you see that boy means you no good? He’s using you Olivia. Don’t you know how to respect yourself Olivia?”

Olivia looks at her father with tears forming in her eyes. Her heart crushes inside of her chest. Her dad was not only supposed to protect her from men like that BEFORE they got to her most sacred place, he was also supposed to mend her heart, not call her stupid for making a mistake.

“Dad,” she says barely able to say his name. “Who taught me that I deserved better?”

Olivia walks out and sees her father every now and again from that point forward. She makes it into college because a counselor wouldn’t let her give up. While in college she meets a professor. A middle aged man that resembles her father in height and in build, but man is he so much nicer and more loving. From working with kids all his life he sees that there’s a change in Olivia. Her grades are falling, her optimism for life is waining, and the sparkle that was once in her eyes is no longer there.

He asks questions, he dives deep, he refuses to take her wish-washy answers at face value. One day she opens up to him revealing that her father passed away.

“You miss him don’t you?” the professor asked, starring into her saddened brown eyes.

“I hated him,” she replied. “Why would God give me a father that couldn’t show me that he loved me. He drank everyday. He wouldn’t even acknowledge me other than a hug or holding my hand from time to time. He never even cared about me.”

Olivia is heartbroken, she feels as if her tears are going to consume her. She has always had faith that God would bring her father back to life from his alcoholism. There wasn’t a moment that went by in her childhood that she didn’t believe that God could resurrect her father. But there she sat, empty. With a hole in her heart that couldn’t be filled. She looked to the professor for answers. Some kind of answers to her horrible truth. She felt unwanted, unloved, and empty with no possible way, from her point of view, to ever be fulfilled again.

The professor took her under his wing. He coached her, he stayed on her, he didn’t give up on her. He was there in her darkest of days. You see, Olivia didn’t know that before she met the professor he was looking for a daughter because he had lost one of his own children. A daughter that would have been the same age as Olivia. It pained his heart everyday, but he kept going. He kept encouraging other people. His life, his students, and his future meant everything to him.

So when Olivia came along with a saddened heart that seemingly couldn’t be repaired he heard God whisper, “I’ve answered your prayers.”

The professor could see the blessing from the beginning, but she couldn’t. But he never gave up on her.

Olivia graduated, she got married, she had children, she became a motivational speaker. All because of one man.

Her professor even walked her down the aisle. She didn’t realize until that very day that God had answered her prayers too. As she walked towards her husband, arm and arm with the professor, an overwhelming sensation came over her. Her father was there. Not in the form or the way that she had envisioned, but he was there. The professor had filled his place. God had answered the call. Not in the way that she expected, but in the way that she needed when her real father couldn’t give her the beauty that she was asking for.

Sign

I know, from personal experience, what it feels like to need a father figure. There comes a point in life when you have to realize that just maybe it’s not going to work out in the way that you held onto for so long. But God, always answers the call. In one form or another. Suddenly, somethings all become so clear.

Let go of your burdens, bitterness, and anger from the past. Let the love that is available for you find you.

I know it’s not an easy thing to do, but it is necessary to move on and fulfill the life that you are meant to live.

I will leave you with a quote.

When you finally let go of the past something better comes along.

Writing is the way I choose to let go. Find your outlet, feel your pain, and release it. You have more to gain.

finished-heart Renee