Truth Be Told Tuesday: Year End Post

Truth Be Told Tuesday

I have to come clean.

I am so glad that 2014 is coming to a close.

I’m really looking forward to a new time…

The start of a new year is permission for people like me to move past the feelings of failure, disappointment, and sadness. To maybe – somehow – try to cultivate a different frame of mind to get to the answers and fulfillment that we really have been seeking. So I am so happy to say PEACE OUT to 2014.

I hope you all enjoyed my posts this year…

I have to be completely honest, most of the posts that were written this year were written from the perspective of someone with a broken-heart, crushed dreams, and resentment. They were written from the perspective of someone trying to hold the pieces of her broken-heart together while she squeezed out tidbits of her passion.

While the demons of fear, anger, and disappointment sat on her shoulder begging her to hang it up, she told them, “no, if I don’t have anything else, I have myself and my writing and you will not take away my voice.”

I have so much more to learn…

The truth is… I feel like I don’t know a damn thing.

As a writer, I feel like there is so much more to learn. As a mother, I feel like every time I get something right – my son changes. As a person, I feel like I am drowning in this pool that we all call life. I have alot of walls to break through, guards to let down, and paths to navigate through. I have learned a hell of alot, but learning isn’t the answer.

The real transformation comes when you can embrace new concepts, ways of being, beliefs, and new ideas, and I have not been able to do that too much in 2014. I have received insight that my childhood insecurities has beat up before it even got a chance to get through the doors. I have received messages that the ego crooks have stolen before I even got a chance to sift through and find the treasures within. I have launched more ideas and dreams than probably anyone you know, but the “straight and narrow” in me noticed that they didn’t line up with my upbringing – so out the door they went.

But 2014 was not all bad…

I got one of the greatest gifts of all in 2014. A gift that I didn’t think that I could have because it hadn’t shown up in my life for years. I gave birth to my first born – Noah. He has been my greatest gift and greatest accomplishment and his very presence helps me realize that dreams do come true – even if they do take some time.

As far as my writing goes…

I am in the process of writing my new book {Soul Guidance Finding Your Way Home}. There are moments in my life where all is well, and a stream of well-being just flows from me. It’s a place where there are no worries and no fears. Sometimes I think to myself – where the hell did that passage come from – because I didn’t feel anything close to that yesterday? But then I remember – we all have that place inside that no one can take from us.

My wishes for the new year…

I am looking to take my blog in a different direction. Although I have written some posts that have some good information and good stories, I would like to dive a little bit more into what people need. I feel like my calling is to be a soul writer, but I am going to focus more on content that can help others move past their difficulties, break free from restrictions, and release their pain. I keep getting the message that I am a healer and I want nothing more than to express my gifts in the most genuine, uplifting, and whole way possible. I don’t feel that I quite captured that this year.

My wish for the new year is that I come back to this platform – brand new. From a new perspective. Not a hurt, damaged, heart-broken individual trying to express herself, but from a new beingness. From the beingness of a healed, whole, gifted individual that has something to share with the world. I will not be back on this platform, until I find my way and am able to reveal my gifts to you in a way that can help heal, advance, and move us all in a positive direction.

For all the writers out there…

Don’t give up. Follow your dreams. I know sometimes it’s hard and things seem slim, but we will all find a way. For those who are making it big time and starting to really find the level of expression that they have always desired “kudos to you” and “keep it up”. I wish you all a very safe, happy, healthy new year. I will be back, but not before I can deliver my “whole self” to this platform. I don’t know how long that will take. Just keep me in your prayers and well-wishes.

I appreciate you all!

Thank you for reading!

Happy New Year!

finished-heart Nay

Truth Be Told Tuesday

Truth Be Told Tuesday

I have to come clean.

I’m afraid to be naked.

And by naked I mean, totally myself without a mask.

Can you imagine nothing to cling to?

No fancy job status, no bling, no degree, and no one high-fiving me for a promotion like people receive at work.

No make-up to hide behind, no false lashes, no big bank to show how financially secure I am.

I’m afraid to say that I am open to all philosophies, and that I am also open to see where life takes me. Have you seen how they treat people who don’t believe in the “guy sitting in the sky” judging everyone’s actions? 

Let me be clear – I do believe in God. I just don’t believe that it’s a man sitting in the sky judging every thing that I do.

They call people like me “woo-woo” and “new age”. They seem to think the worse about people who welcome other philosophies when in reality, I’m just embracing other ways to understand the world that I live in.

I’m afraid to say that I’m a homebody. Have you seen the way that they treat people that aren’t “turning up” and going to the club every other day?

I’m afraid to say that I cry almost everyday – because people seem to equate tears with weakness.

I’m afraid to say that I do not have it all figured out. Because somehow, not having it all figured out means that you are irresponsible, lazy, and unmotivated.

I’m afraid to say that I don’t really like people. Let me be clear – I don’t like the baggage that people bring along with them. You know, their judgements, nasty looks, and unedited opinions. Their pointing and snickering when you make a mistake or when your life is not perfect. Those are the things that I don’t like about people. I would rather spend a day at home with my pet than with a bunch of phony people – any day.

I’m afraid to say that I feel worthless without my job. Have you seen the way that they treat people who are unemployed? As if I am sitting at home, eating snacks, watching soap operas all day, and milking the welfare system. I must say… I am not any of that.

It’s funny how some people (myself included) can’t see the value in just raising a child. Raising a child is work enough. Some people don’t realize that tending to the house, making sure there’s hot food on the table, and making sure everyone has clean clothes is a job of nurturing that no one ever gets paid for. But it is a job that is certainly relevant to the well-being of a family unit.

I’m afraid to say that I don’t have a college degree. Have you seen the way employers look at people who haven’t spent a significant amount of time in college? Never mind that you’re a natural at the job and a quick learner. Never mind that your skills of dedication and respect can never be taught. Nope, none of that matters.

I’m afraid to say that I’m compassionate and that I cry when I see anyone hurting. Because to admit such a thing, would mean that I’m too sensitive and that I need to toughen up. 

I am afraid to be naked. Which really means, I am afraid to be fully myself – that raw, natural, caring, barefoot kind girl that doesn’t give a damn about fancy clothes or things that don’t speak to my heart.

I’m afraid to say that I don’t have any of the things that make me useful, worthy, or relevant in society’s eyes.

I’m afraid to disclose who I really am, but even though I’m afraid… I just told you anyway. It is Truth Be Told Tuesday isn’t it?

Thanks for reading!

Do you have anything that you would like to confess for Truth Be Told Tuesday? If so, go to the top of the post and click “leave a comment” to share your story. If you prefer to post your response on your own blog, just add the words “Truth Be Told Tuesday” somewhere in your post and link back to this article.

I look forward to hearing your response.

finished-heart Nay

Truth Be Told Tuesday

Truth Be Told Tuesday

I have to come clean.

I don’t know what the hell to write about for Truth Be Told Tuesday.

As a matter of fact, I thought about renaming the whole “Tuesday” subject altogether. If I did that however, I would seem scattered, unorganized, and inconsistent.

I mean aren’t writers supposed to have their shit together? Aren’t they supposed to know exactly what to write and when to write it? Isn’t there something specific to write about for Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays?

If I can speak honestly (that is what Truth Be told Tuesday is all about), I haven’t been that inspired to post on WordPress. I don’t like to force writing, but I don’t want to leave my platform empty either.

So what to do?

I figured I would just sit down, and let whatever wanted to come out – come out.

I don’t feel like a writer today… The very reason that people go to writing blogs is to keep up with what other “writers” or “authors” are doing. I think of people coming to my blog and asking, “where’s the content, where are the stories, where’s the setting, where are the characters, where’s the adventure?”

To which I reply, “you aren’t getting any of that from me today. I am not a storyteller, an author, or a writer today. Not the “official” kind anyway.”

I am curled up with my hot chocolate and putting all of the writing rules to the side.

What I really desire more than anything is a real connection, with real people. Let’s be real – most of the people don’t really read what’s on the blogs anyway. They skim through the content to see if anything looks interesting or fits their current needs, and if the first few words don’t grab their attention they’re off to something else.

Between facebook, twitter, homework, housework, work-work, the kids, and all the other crap that people have to do, there seems to be no time for genuine connections. God forbid you ask someone to comment on your post or to share their stories – they are so wrapped up in other things while browsing through your post that they don’t even hear your pleas for authentic connection.

I must admit – I have been guilty of that from time to time. We call it multi-tasking, but what it really is – is robbing us of the present moment. So tonight, I am not in the mood for thinking, writing things down in a perfect format, to pour my heart into another post, that no one is even going to read (entirely). So I will just say a few words here and there, in the fashion that my current mood decides to script them.

I’m frustrated with putting myself out there, being vulnerable, and opening up – without a single response from people who I know are out there feeling the same way I am.

I want to know what people desire, I want to having meaningful conversations, I want hearts that I connect with. I guess what I am trying to ask is, what makes you feel alive? Is it really writing or is it something else? Am I the only one that feels – if I don’t feel genuinely inspired – I can’t write? Does anyone else feel that way?

I am not the kind of person that wants to just throw anything out into the universe. Even as I type this, I am still trying to be considerate with the words that I choose and how I say them. Even though my mood is… well we won’t go there.  Part of the reason I am writing this post is to vent. To let the world know that I feel so uninspired. Especially when it comes to posting on here. I am tired of giving my time and attention to things that fall on deaf ears.

I am in the process of writing my new book, and the inspiration for that comes and goes. It’s actually quite nice and not that much of a headache at all, but this wordpress thing… I don’t know what to make of it.

I guess it’s okay to say exactly what I feel – as long as I am telling the truth in the process. It is Truth Be Told Tuesday.

Thank you for reading!

Do you have anything that you would like to confess for Truth Be Told Tuesday? If so, go to the top of the post and click “leave a comment” to share your story. If you prefer to post your response on your own blog, just add the words “Truth Be Told Tuesday” somewhere in your post and link back to this article.

I look forward to hearing your response.

finished-heart Nay

Day 5: Living From The Heart

Day 5

Starting It Off

Living from the heart means being honest. Honest about your feelings, your experiences, and what you are going through. When I started this challenge I in no way shape or form thought that I was going to be 100% positive all of the time. It’s just not possible. Instead, I know that I am going to make mistakes, fall back into old patterns, and probably throw a couple of things out of frustration.

The whole point of this process is not to be perfect. It’s to learn to channel my emotions into a direction that is better for me and those around me. If I can learn to get some kind of grip on my emotions – then and only then – will I be able to express genuinely and in way that people connect with.

With That Said

I want to share something with you. I shed a few tears as I was writing this letter to Hannah Brencher – creator of moreloveletters.com. I got to the point today where I was just tired of being unseen and unheard. I wrote a letter being brutally honest about what I am going through. I am sure Hannah has a bunch of letters to look through, and I am not even sure that she will get mine, but I had to do something to reach out for some help.

Here is the letter that I wrote to Hannah. It is the letter in its entirety. I don’t like spelling mistakes so I did correct a couple of the things that I spelled wrong in the letter, but the rest of the letter is exactly what I wrote to her. I am sharing this with you because it’s the truth.

I welcome your comments and feedback.

I am just at a point in my life where I am trying to reinvent and break new ground while battling some very strong demons that are holding me back. So here it is.

Sign

Letter To Hannah

Dear Hannah,

I know you must be inundated with requests from people all over the world who want to hear some words from your loving heart. I am one of those people. I can only hope that somehow through the bundle of emails you receive, my heart connects with yours and you find time enough to send a reply. No matter how short or how long – I appreciate it. 

I don’t know where to begin. I guess I will start by saying my life feels like a mess for no one particular reason at all. The heaviest things on my heart right now are the inability to find my place in this world and  feeling like a failure. 

Almost 3 years ago I quit my job. It was a secure position with great benefits and I was working my way up the ladder to really make a difference in that financial institution. There, they always considered me a team leader, even though I often shied away from the role. One day after being told again at my job that I was too quiet, something hit me – why couldn’t I just be me. The one behind the scenes that gave the members the kind of dedication and service they deserved. The one whose value didn’t show in the selling of products, but in the customers who called back and said, “I’ve never been treated so properly in all of my life.” 

Instead my sales numbers were too low. I was constantly scolded for it and for not taking the position as a team leader. I wasn’t selling enough and the way I chose to involve myself with the group wasn’t good enough either. Everyone use to come to me for help, like I was the manager, but because I wasn’t loud, boisterous, and outspoken like some of my other colleagues, my other skills went unnoticed. I winded up being late often and my performance started slipping because I was miserable. So I quit. Not to spite them, but so that I would no longer be a burden to that company with my foul mood and insecurities. 

I must say that decision was one of the worst and the best decisions I ever made in my life. The worst because I lost my financial freedom. The best because I actually had time to focus on my writing. I love to write. I love to express. No matter how raw, dirty, or enormously loving it may be. There is something about forming words into a story that just has my heart.

The weight of my bills piling up is too heavy to bear. I am a rather morally responsible individual and it’s killing me not to be able to fulfill the promise that I made to the people who loaned me credit and expect me to keep that promise. 

When I try to go back into the job market I feel like it tears me apart. I tasted the freedom and now I feel like I can’t go back. But I feel like some part of me can’t move forward in my fullest expression until I mend something. The part that feels like I betrayed my co-workers, my family, my tradition, and my obligations. The truth is, no matter how hard I try I just don’t fit into the corporate life. I would love to make a living writing, but I can’t seem to connect with people in the way that I really would like to. I try, I pour my heart out, and try to remain genuine. But there is a demon that keeps whispering to me… you’ll never make it, this isn’t God’s calling for you, you’ll never win, your not living genuinely. I am stuck in the deepest darkest part of my soul. Stretching and reaching out for help, and the help is no where to be found. 

I’ve felt God before, but for some reason since I quit my job I feel like God left me a little bit. I know that’s not true, but I feel locked out of God’s heart. Even though I try so hard to find my way back home. 

I am not sure what you can say, but I know the feeling you get when you don’t know what to say at first, but then the right words just come to you. I am not asking you to fix my life. I am just reaching out for that connection that I know is there regardless of what my demons are whispering to me. I know it just takes a different perspective and your whole life can change. I’m just asking for your perspective. 

Love Renee

Sign

That was as honest as it gets.

Everyone goes through things. I just think that we need some help along the way. I am not perfect and I make mistakes, but I am trying to fix them to make my life better.

I welcome your feedback.

finished-heart Nay

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