Truth Be Told Tuesday: Year End Post

Truth Be Told Tuesday

I have to come clean.

I am so glad that 2014 is coming to a close.

I’m really looking forward to a new time…

The start of a new year is permission for people like me to move past the feelings of failure, disappointment, and sadness. To maybe – somehow – try to cultivate a different frame of mind to get to the answers and fulfillment that we really have been seeking. So I am so happy to say PEACE OUT to 2014.

I hope you all enjoyed my posts this year…

I have to be completely honest, most of the posts that were written this year were written from the perspective of someone with a broken-heart, crushed dreams, and resentment. They were written from the perspective of someone trying to hold the pieces of her broken-heart together while she squeezed out tidbits of her passion.

While the demons of fear, anger, and disappointment sat on her shoulder begging her to hang it up, she told them, “no, if I don’t have anything else, I have myself and my writing and you will not take away my voice.”

I have so much more to learn…

The truth is… I feel like I don’t know a damn thing.

As a writer, I feel like there is so much more to learn. As a mother, I feel like every time I get something right – my son changes. As a person, I feel like I am drowning in this pool that we all call life. I have alot of walls to break through, guards to let down, and paths to navigate through. I have learned a hell of alot, but learning isn’t the answer.

The real transformation comes when you can embrace new concepts, ways of being, beliefs, and new ideas, and I have not been able to do that too much in 2014. I have received insight that my childhood insecurities has beat up before it even got a chance to get through the doors. I have received messages that the ego crooks have stolen before I even got a chance to sift through and find the treasures within. I have launched more ideas and dreams than probably anyone you know, but the “straight and narrow” in me noticed that they didn’t line up with my upbringing – so out the door they went.

But 2014 was not all bad…

I got one of the greatest gifts of all in 2014. A gift that I didn’t think that I could have because it hadn’t shown up in my life for years. I gave birth to my first born – Noah. He has been my greatest gift and greatest accomplishment and his very presence helps me realize that dreams do come true – even if they do take some time.

As far as my writing goes…

I am in the process of writing my new book {Soul Guidance Finding Your Way Home}. There are moments in my life where all is well, and a stream of well-being just flows from me. It’s a place where there are no worries and no fears. Sometimes I think to myself – where the hell did that passage come from – because I didn’t feel anything close to that yesterday? But then I remember – we all have that place inside that no one can take from us.

My wishes for the new year…

I am looking to take my blog in a different direction. Although I have written some posts that have some good information and good stories, I would like to dive a little bit more into what people need. I feel like my calling is to be a soul writer, but I am going to focus more on content that can help others move past their difficulties, break free from restrictions, and release their pain. I keep getting the message that I am a healer and I want nothing more than to express my gifts in the most genuine, uplifting, and whole way possible. I don’t feel that I quite captured that this year.

My wish for the new year is that I come back to this platform – brand new. From a new perspective. Not a hurt, damaged, heart-broken individual trying to express herself, but from a new beingness. From the beingness of a healed, whole, gifted individual that has something to share with the world. I will not be back on this platform, until I find my way and am able to reveal my gifts to you in a way that can help heal, advance, and move us all in a positive direction.

For all the writers out there…

Don’t give up. Follow your dreams. I know sometimes it’s hard and things seem slim, but we will all find a way. For those who are making it big time and starting to really find the level of expression that they have always desired “kudos to you” and “keep it up”. I wish you all a very safe, happy, healthy new year. I will be back, but not before I can deliver my “whole self” to this platform. I don’t know how long that will take. Just keep me in your prayers and well-wishes.

I appreciate you all!

Thank you for reading!

Happy New Year!

finished-heart Nay

Truth Be Told Tuesday

Truth Be Told Tuesday

I have to come clean.

I’m afraid to be naked.

And by naked I mean, totally myself without a mask.

Can you imagine nothing to cling to?

No fancy job status, no bling, no degree, and no one high-fiving me for a promotion like people receive at work.

No make-up to hide behind, no false lashes, no big bank to show how financially secure I am.

I’m afraid to say that I am open to all philosophies, and that I am also open to see where life takes me. Have you seen how they treat people who don’t believe in the “guy sitting in the sky” judging everyone’s actions? 

Let me be clear – I do believe in God. I just don’t believe that it’s a man sitting in the sky judging every thing that I do.

They call people like me “woo-woo” and “new age”. They seem to think the worse about people who welcome other philosophies when in reality, I’m just embracing other ways to understand the world that I live in.

I’m afraid to say that I’m a homebody. Have you seen the way that they treat people that aren’t “turning up” and going to the club every other day?

I’m afraid to say that I cry almost everyday – because people seem to equate tears with weakness.

I’m afraid to say that I do not have it all figured out. Because somehow, not having it all figured out means that you are irresponsible, lazy, and unmotivated.

I’m afraid to say that I don’t really like people. Let me be clear – I don’t like the baggage that people bring along with them. You know, their judgements, nasty looks, and unedited opinions. Their pointing and snickering when you make a mistake or when your life is not perfect. Those are the things that I don’t like about people. I would rather spend a day at home with my pet than with a bunch of phony people – any day.

I’m afraid to say that I feel worthless without my job. Have you seen the way that they treat people who are unemployed? As if I am sitting at home, eating snacks, watching soap operas all day, and milking the welfare system. I must say… I am not any of that.

It’s funny how some people (myself included) can’t see the value in just raising a child. Raising a child is work enough. Some people don’t realize that tending to the house, making sure there’s hot food on the table, and making sure everyone has clean clothes is a job of nurturing that no one ever gets paid for. But it is a job that is certainly relevant to the well-being of a family unit.

I’m afraid to say that I don’t have a college degree. Have you seen the way employers look at people who haven’t spent a significant amount of time in college? Never mind that you’re a natural at the job and a quick learner. Never mind that your skills of dedication and respect can never be taught. Nope, none of that matters.

I’m afraid to say that I’m compassionate and that I cry when I see anyone hurting. Because to admit such a thing, would mean that I’m too sensitive and that I need to toughen up. 

I am afraid to be naked. Which really means, I am afraid to be fully myself – that raw, natural, caring, barefoot kind girl that doesn’t give a damn about fancy clothes or things that don’t speak to my heart.

I’m afraid to say that I don’t have any of the things that make me useful, worthy, or relevant in society’s eyes.

I’m afraid to disclose who I really am, but even though I’m afraid… I just told you anyway. It is Truth Be Told Tuesday isn’t it?

Thanks for reading!

Do you have anything that you would like to confess for Truth Be Told Tuesday? If so, go to the top of the post and click “leave a comment” to share your story. If you prefer to post your response on your own blog, just add the words “Truth Be Told Tuesday” somewhere in your post and link back to this article.

I look forward to hearing your response.

finished-heart Nay

Truth Be Told Tuesday

Truth Be Told Tuesday

I have to come clean.

I don’t know what the hell to write about for Truth Be Told Tuesday.

As a matter of fact, I thought about renaming the whole “Tuesday” subject altogether. If I did that however, I would seem scattered, unorganized, and inconsistent.

I mean aren’t writers supposed to have their shit together? Aren’t they supposed to know exactly what to write and when to write it? Isn’t there something specific to write about for Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays?

If I can speak honestly (that is what Truth Be told Tuesday is all about), I haven’t been that inspired to post on WordPress. I don’t like to force writing, but I don’t want to leave my platform empty either.

So what to do?

I figured I would just sit down, and let whatever wanted to come out – come out.

I don’t feel like a writer today… The very reason that people go to writing blogs is to keep up with what other “writers” or “authors” are doing. I think of people coming to my blog and asking, “where’s the content, where are the stories, where’s the setting, where are the characters, where’s the adventure?”

To which I reply, “you aren’t getting any of that from me today. I am not a storyteller, an author, or a writer today. Not the “official” kind anyway.”

I am curled up with my hot chocolate and putting all of the writing rules to the side.

What I really desire more than anything is a real connection, with real people. Let’s be real – most of the people don’t really read what’s on the blogs anyway. They skim through the content to see if anything looks interesting or fits their current needs, and if the first few words don’t grab their attention they’re off to something else.

Between facebook, twitter, homework, housework, work-work, the kids, and all the other crap that people have to do, there seems to be no time for genuine connections. God forbid you ask someone to comment on your post or to share their stories – they are so wrapped up in other things while browsing through your post that they don’t even hear your pleas for authentic connection.

I must admit – I have been guilty of that from time to time. We call it multi-tasking, but what it really is – is robbing us of the present moment. So tonight, I am not in the mood for thinking, writing things down in a perfect format, to pour my heart into another post, that no one is even going to read (entirely). So I will just say a few words here and there, in the fashion that my current mood decides to script them.

I’m frustrated with putting myself out there, being vulnerable, and opening up – without a single response from people who I know are out there feeling the same way I am.

I want to know what people desire, I want to having meaningful conversations, I want hearts that I connect with. I guess what I am trying to ask is, what makes you feel alive? Is it really writing or is it something else? Am I the only one that feels – if I don’t feel genuinely inspired – I can’t write? Does anyone else feel that way?

I am not the kind of person that wants to just throw anything out into the universe. Even as I type this, I am still trying to be considerate with the words that I choose and how I say them. Even though my mood is… well we won’t go there.  Part of the reason I am writing this post is to vent. To let the world know that I feel so uninspired. Especially when it comes to posting on here. I am tired of giving my time and attention to things that fall on deaf ears.

I am in the process of writing my new book, and the inspiration for that comes and goes. It’s actually quite nice and not that much of a headache at all, but this wordpress thing… I don’t know what to make of it.

I guess it’s okay to say exactly what I feel – as long as I am telling the truth in the process. It is Truth Be Told Tuesday.

Thank you for reading!

Do you have anything that you would like to confess for Truth Be Told Tuesday? If so, go to the top of the post and click “leave a comment” to share your story. If you prefer to post your response on your own blog, just add the words “Truth Be Told Tuesday” somewhere in your post and link back to this article.

I look forward to hearing your response.

finished-heart Nay

Truth Be Told Tuesday

Truth Be Told Tuesday

I have to come clean.

I am not a writer.

Let me be clearer. I am not a writer in the traditional sense. It all depends on what your definition of a writer is. I have read countless blogs and articles that list the criteria for allowing yourself to be called a “writer”.

You have to #1 be making a living at writing according to some.

You have to #2 love to read, and I mean alot.

You have to #3 know all the rules of writing. Spelling, grammar, punctuation, sentence structure, and the difference between lay and lie – shoot me now.

You have to #4 be in some way associated with a big name publisher or if “self-published” have had to hit the $1,000,000 mark. Okay maybe not a million dollars but somewhere in the 100’s of thousands. 

You have to had #5 attended some kind of college and earned a fancy degree.

You have to #6 know all the great poets and authors of the past and somewhere in your life you should have studied their works, and the list goes on and on.

If the things above are the criteria for being called a writer, then I have to be honest with you – I AIN’T IT. Slang intended.

Let me elaborate.

Point # 1 – I am not making anywheres near a million dollars for any of the 7 self-published books that I have written. As I am matter of fact – I haven’t even made $70 for the 7 self-published books that I have written. One of my books – Mother Father God – has over 7400 reads right now. Do you know what that would translate into if those people actually decided to BUY my book? But nope, they didn’t. They just chose to read it online for free, which is all good, but I gotta eat too.

Point # 2 – When I think about having to go back and learn everything there is to know about sentence structure and grammar, I literally become sick to my stomach. I cringe at the thought of having to go back to the elementary level of understanding how to use lay and lie in a sentence. Because everyone knows that to be an author, you can’t be asked the difference between some of the most used words in writing and not know how the hell to explain their usage.

My mind is bombarded with so much information everyday that I can’t even remember my middle name sometimes.

Point # 3 – It’s so difficult for me to be able to allow myself to be called a writer. I see other authors and they have piles of books, that they love to read, and that they review effortlessly. While I, have piles of books, that are sitting on my bookshelf, that are collecting dust as we speak. Some authors can tell you a quote from almost every famous author. While I, can barely remember the names of the author’s books that I just read.

So why the hell, if I don’t have any of those attributes, do I keep writing anyway? I mean why am I drawn to it? Why even keep creating stories if I don’t have what it takes to be called a writer?

I guess I read differently than some others do. I guess sometimes it doesn’t take a book to know how to read and write in a way that people can understand. I read emotions and energy. I can feel the spirit of those who’ve passed away still wanting to create, and I love when I am in my flow enough to receive those insights of information.

But still, the rules say you have to be known, you have to make money at it, you have to love to read – and alot. But I don’t like to read alot. Don’t get me wrong; I do what I have to do, but it’s a chore to me. Especially when I know that there is inspiration circling around me right here right now. There is energy around right now just waiting to be translated into words.

When I get a new book, I open the book and start flipping through the pages. I look at the alignment of the writing, the font that the company chose to print the book in, the margins, the front cover and back cover. I honestly get more excited about how perfect the book feels than what the author actually wrote about. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s the truth.

I love to write. I really do. I love the idea that I can put feelings into words. I love the idea that a few words written in the right way can heal someone’s life. When I think of my dream job it doesn’t include a mob of people, standing outside in zero degree weather, waiting to sign my book. It doesn’t include being the boss of several people and managing their time, tasks, and schedules. It doesn’t even include being involved with a ton of people at all.

When I think of my dream job, I think of being tucked away cozily in warm room, next to a fireplace, with a computer on my lap, and a hot beverage on the table in front me. In that room there may be four other people – an editor, a real friend to tell me when my writing isn’t making sense or sounds like bullshit, my son, and my significant other. That’s it. That is all I really need.

I would have magazines with pictures all around, a book or two that really touches my heart, a sketch pad to doodle, some candy, and a coke.

I would skim through the pictures, read some chapters from the two books, dig deep online for meaningful articles, maybe go for a walk to get some fresh air, go back inside and dig some more online, watch a little tv, kiss and play with my son, yell at my significant other, and then when I am all done collecting that data from those many different (and relevant) sources, I would sit down and start to type.

As a matter of fact, I was visiting Marie Forleo’s website (how to create a business and life you love) the other day and I came across a testimonial video from the artist Lou Niestadt. It was so inspiring to see an author/illustrator doing what she loved, in her zone, and working from home.

I don’t see myself in large crowds or fighting through crazed fans to get to my seat. I see myself in my home, comfortable with who I am, inspired by the life I live, and guided by the divine to pour my heart out. After which, I would hand my draft over, it would be modified and corrected by those who know the “outside world” a little better than I, and then the finished copy sent to be turned into a book. Which I can sell online. That is what my dream job would be.

I am not a traditional writer. I am not interested in alot of wild fame. Although I do love a good heartfelt thank you from time to time and I do want what I write to touch people’s hearts. I am not interested in digging through history to find the right words to say when I know that they can be inspired right now from where I am. I am not interested in earning some fancy degree just for the sake of saying that I have one.

I desire real authentic relationships, passion that comes from the heart and soul, and a “flow like water” type of expression. I can feel people deeply. I can feel the calling from the energy around, and that type of knowing is not always appreciated. Sometimes it’s just not good enough. That type of knowing can’t get you a degree, or awards, or even recognition.

But the thing that keeps me going even though I don’t have the knowledge like some others, is the idea that I may find another way to live my passion. The idea that I may not have to go back and learn everything all over again.

The idea that maybe there is a way for me to really do what I love. I am not a shy person, but I am personal. I have always been that way, and will always probably be. The way that I share with the world is through my words. When I can’t say something I write it. It’s how I free myself, my thoughts, the worlds I have inside of me, my fears, and my disappointments.

I am on a mission to create the perfect place for me and my unique personality. I know it exists. I am not the only one that loves the home life. I am not the only one that values security and stability without wanting to sit in a cubicle in someone else’s dream. I know that I cannot be the only one that feels this way. So I will put my wish out to the universe.

I am not a traditional writer universe – nope that’s not me. But I am kind and I am considerate. I pay attention to what I write and how I present it to the world. I am extremely organized and I love the idea of creation. I love the idea of genuine relationships. I love juicy discussions and deep revelations. I love to dig and probe into the soul of person to find out what they really feel. I can usually feel the heart of a person. Not just what they say or what they present to the world. I can feel when something just clicks or I am deeply connected to someone. I am a solitary person and I love to work alone, but will work with others that I can call “family”.

I am loyal, dedicated, and will give every ounce of me if I feel that the job is a right fit for me.

So if anyone is looking for someone like me or connects to my words or work, let’s talk. Who knows – we may collaborate on a project, I may work for you one day, or maybe we just become good friends, and we all know those are hard to come by.

Thank you for reading!

Do you have anything that you would like to confess for Truth Be Told Tuesday? If so, go to the top of the post and click “leave a comment” to share your story. If you prefer to post your response on your own blog, just add the words “Truth Be Told Tuesday” somewhere in your post and link back to this article.

I look forward to hearing your response.

finished-heart Nay

What’s Your Perspective On Dreams?

Dreams

Writing is one of the most frightening things that I have ever done. Especially trying to share it with the world. There are so many social barriers and standards that we have to uphold that one wrong move can spell disaster (in my mind). Writing is very special to me. It allows me to be able to release some of the things that I feel, visit places I never got to visit as a child, and express some of my deepest desires and fears. I am giving myself permission today to share my dream that I had this afternoon with you. This will allow me to open up more and allow more people into my personal feelings. If I can open up and share more freely, I will begin to see my real life dreams flourish more freely.

I ask one thing… please share with me your feelings on the dream. What is your perspective on some of the symbols? What do you feel the dream means? What is your viewpoint on the content? As we open to other’s perspectives I think we increase or sense of who we are in this vast world that we live in. If you want, you can even share a dream with me and I will share my perspective with you.

The Dream

My sister and I are sitting in my childhood home. She is showing me a picture of an ultrasound. Her friend is having twins. My sister tells me that the babies in the ultrasound picture look happy. I on the other hand have a completely different opinion. I see a glimpse of an unfinished nursery with some skimpy furniture and the room is half done. It doesn’t look prepared at all. I change back to the scene and look at the ultrasound again. One baby looks like he is bracing himself for the reality that he is about to be born into. The other twin looks like he is screaming and expressing his frustration with the whole process in general. I point out that the babies are not happy and she needs to look at the ultrasound again. I see a glimpse of my sister’s pregnant friend inside of the finished nursery. She looks happy and healthy and ready. The only thing is that even though she is fully prepared she is still feeling somewhat anxious. The scene switches back to my sister and me and my sister has paid money for a Facebook app on her phone that she could have gotten for free. She wouldn’t have even noticed it if our apps didn’t look so different.  I laugh at her and ask her why in the world would she pay for an app that she could have gotten for free. She tells me that she can’t get rid of it because it belongs to my grandmother.