Freedom Friday: Becoming Who I Am

Set Yourself FreeMy Freedom Friday Post Is About Shedding All That Is Not Real

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A year and four months ago I decided to do something that was down right crazy. I decided to shave off all of my hair.

Now that might not mean anything to you, but for me – it meant everything.

Inside, I always had a burning desire to do it, but there were so many reasons why I felt that I couldn’t. This experience was very personal to me, so I am going to be open and honest about the reasons why I felt I couldn’t do it.

The first thing is that most “women” define themselves by how womanly they look. Long hair, their shapely bodies, glowing skin – you know – all of the things that make women feel attractive and beautiful. I was going through an internal conflict. How could I feel like a woman without one of the major traits that makes a woman feel beautiful?

I felt like without my hair – I would be less womanly and unattractive.

I am also an African American woman, and growing our hair (for some of us) is as rough as finding our way through life. So when I actually grew a nice head of hair, the thought of chopping it off sometimes was like getting rid of something that I had put alot of hard work into. It was very difficult through the years to grow my hair because it had been damaged by perms, heat, neglect, and stress.

But something within me kept calling me to expose that part of myself- the part of me that had no hair. I had no idea why the call got louder and louder – it just did.

Finally, one day I woke up and my hair had started forming dreadlocks. I was neglecting my hair and it was showing me the results of that neglect. By the way, I hate dreadlocks on females. Just my opinion – don’t kill me.  I decided that I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. So I took the scissors and made the first cut. Just like that, cut right into it. There was no regret, no tears, and no kicking and screaming on the floor. Just snipped it right off. The next morning I went to the barber shop and got it cut properly.

When I went home and looked in the mirror I was shocked. I could not believe what I saw. There I stood almost bare bald, and I still looked beautiful. As a matter of fact, I felt more beautiful than when I had hair. The experience was totally liberating. Not only didn’t I have to deal with my hair anymore, I could actually see my face.

I think our souls call us to the edge sometimes. They call us to shed the things that are not true about ourselves. The thoughts that I wouldn’t be beautiful, womanly, or attractive without my hair were not only false they were also things that blocked me from seeing my true beauty. Once you recognize the truth and get rid of the lies you have been telling yourself, your real beauty can show. The truth was – I was not my hair, and I was holding onto false impression of who I would be without it. Real beauty called me, and it was a call that I couldn’t “not” answer.

For this “Freedom Friday” post. I am going to list all of the things that I feed myself that are negative. We speak to ourselves so negatively sometimes. We tell ourselves lies. Those lies corrupt the person who we came here to be. In order to grow into yourself, you have to let go of the ideas that are not true about yourself. Your real self is here to express. How can your real self express itself through you, if you are holding ideas about yourself that are not true?

So here goes. Here’s my list of lies that I’ve told myself throughout the years. Here is where I can express it, and then cut the cord from these things for good.

It helps to go through the process. Just like cutting my hair helped me see the truth.

So here are the lies.

I am not good enough, I’ll never amount to anything, I’m not smart enough, my parents never taught me that, I’m not good with money, I don’t deserve another chance, I messed up beyond repair, I am inadequate, I don’t have the knowledge, I can’t do that, I’m ugly, I’m not attractive, I’m nothing, I’m worthless, I don’t deserve God’s love.

I’ve messed up so much in life, I made a big mistake quitting my job, I’m stupid, I don’t deserve to receive blessings, maybe I didn’t try hard enough, maybe I’m not worthy, black women have such a hard time making it, I don’t have any examples to follow, I have no support, no one is helping me, I can’t do this alone, I can’t find my way, I don’t deserve the good life, royalty and riches are only for a certain kind, I am being punished for my past mistakes, I can’t make it without my grandparents, I’ll never get my house, I’ll never make it.

I’m cursed, I’m doomed, there’s a black cloud over my head, something is influencing my life, something is trapping me, someone else has power over me, I can never be my own boss, I am not attractive enough, I am not beautiful enough, my teeth are not straight enough, I don’t have it,  I don’t have what it takes, I’m not fit to be a mother, I don’t know what I’m doing… and the list goes on and on, but it feels so good to free up some space!

The cord is cut…

Without a regret at all…

I leave this stuff behind…

There is better for me, once I see that all the stuff I have been feeding myself is a lie.

Thanks for reading!

Are you ready to shed the lies you have been telling yourself? If so, don’t forget to click the “leave a comment” button at the top of the post, and share your story. If you prefer to share the post on your own blog please be sure to add the words Freedom Friday to your post & link back to this post.

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Freedom Friday: Am I Alive?

Set Yourself FreeMy Freedom Friday Post Is About Feeling Seen & Being Heard

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A macbook pro is on my lap, tons of papers scattered about, son to my right – laying damn there underneath my thigh. I hear the twist of the doorknob; it’s my husband. He smiles at me, kicks his shoes off, and drops his book bag where he stands. He doesn’t even realize that I just cleaned the house, and probably doesn’t care.

He forces his legs between the table and the couch so that he can make space to dive into my face with a kiss. I start a conversation about a great article that I read early that day. One that inspires me even. He knows that I have been down, and am fighting my way back to some kind of stability.

He reaches down to pick up the chubby-cheeked miracle that is laying next to me. I look up in his direction trying to make eye contact. He is swirling around with his bundle of joy in his arms. Of course, it’s the right thing to do, but the connection is lost between him and I, but vibrant and alive between he and our child.

My shoulders sink and I can feel my heart break. “Am I alive? Am I here? Am I heard?” I think to myself.

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I’m in my home office with my face in my hands for the 100th time. Tears are pouring out from my eyes in buckets. I am blabbering words that no sane human-being could understand, but praying that God can somehow make out what I am saying.

“I didn’t mean to quit my job. I am so sorry. I wanted something better. I couldn’t be there anymore. It was draining me. Please God forgive me. Please give me my financial freedom back. Please get me out of this mountain of debt. I am trying everything I can to make it. I don’t want to be like the rest of my family. Broke. Poor. Begging for spare change. Barely able to get myself the basic needs.”

I am able to catch a breath for a half a second and then I continue.

“Please God, I don’t want to depend on my husband anymore. I want my own money. I’m glad he’s here, but I need to feel independent. I’ve poured my heart and soul into my books and tons of people are reading them, but no one is buying them. I tried everything that I had the strength to try. Please God. Please. Am I alive? Am I here? Am I heard?” I question as I wipe the snot from my nose with my sleeve.

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I’m flipping through the pages of a catalogue and my eyes come across a beautiful set of candles. I smile. Why? Because I love candles. They lift my spirits.

I run my hand over the glossy page of the catalogue as if my gentle caress will somehow generate a wormhole for the candles to appear. I’m ignited for a second when I notice what catalogue I’m reading. “Bed, Bath, and Beyond. It’s not that far away; maybe 15 minutes at most. I can make it there,” I think to myself with optimism.

My eyes drift to the right. There’s a stack of mail sitting there. There’s a letter addressed to me with big bold letters that reads CREDIT SOLUTIONS INC. I know that it’s another bill, from the same people who wrote me last week, demanding all the money I owe them.

The letter lovingly (sarcasm) reminds me of the fact that I don’t have the money in my account to purchase the candles anyway. I close the Bed, Bath, and Beyond booklet disgusted with myself and the world in general. “Can I just admire something without feeling guilty. I just want some damn candles. It’s not too much to ask. Am I Alive? Do My Desires Matter? Am I heard?” I think to myself.

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It’s a week or two after my birthday. My sister shows up to my house with one of my favorite people (my niece). We all sit down in the living room and chat for a few. After a while she says, “I have a birthday gift for you.”

I’m shocked, because I really didn’t expect to receive anything from her. I sit back with anticipation as she reaches in her black oversized pocketbook and pulls out a $25 Children’s Place gift card.

“It’s not about you anymore,” she says with a laugh. “It’s all about the baby when you have kids,” she finishes. My shoulders slump and my heart breaks. “I didn’t know that having children meant I wouldn’t exist anymore. Does she see me? Does she care? Am I alive?” I think to myself. 

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Freedom Friday’s are all about releasing the things that hurt us the most. It’s about freeing up space to allow the new things to enter your life. It’s about being completely honest about the things that are hurting you to the core, making you doubt yourself, and causing you to lose hope. On Freedom Friday’s we have the space to let it out. To say it. To release it, and remove it from our bodies and minds.

Here today, I confess that I have been having a rough few years. Despite it all, I still put on my hat and go to work. I don’t mean a physical work place. I mean doing what I can to improve myself, continuing to write, continuing to try to see the good in things, and continuing to put myself out there no matter what. Something in me will not let my dreams die. The voice inside is much different than my own critical voice. It’s compassionate, patient, accepting, and comes up with ways to try and help me move past this rough patch. Writing is one of the ways that I am able to let it out.

I don’t know what the details of my future are, but I do know how I want to feel.

If I just have that little piece, I have a step.

Going forward I would like to feel,

Abundant, Appreciated, Considered, Important, Blessed, Forgiven, Seen, Supported, Inspired, Comforted, Helped, Acknowledged, Aligned, Fruitful, Relieved, Financially Stable, & Gifted.

I let out a long deep breath and allow my heart to send a message out to All That Is.

I can’t do this alone.

finished-heartNay

Soulful Sunday

Golden Sunrise

There Is Nothing Like Feeling The Depth Of Your Spirit When You’re Creating.

Inspiration flows from you like a water fountain and you can barely contain yourself as you allow your truest expression to flow out into the world.

I would like to share a work of art with you that was created from an open heart.

Mother Father God was created from a place of pure love. It’s a keepsake for mending the broken hearted. When you read each passage you will feel the love from which the words were scripted.

It’s amazing how the Great Spirit worked through me to help me create a book that can heal the soul. If you have ever wondered what God (The Great Spirit, The Divine, Source, The Universe) feels for you – this is the book for you.

Take A Look At Some Of The Passages Below From Mother Father God.

 

Rest assured that our love for you is steadfast, immovable, and irreplaceable. Our love is so grand that we have to show it to you in increments. With every breath that you take, know that we are there. We are speaking to you, through your breath to say we love you.

Sit with us for a few moments dear child and let your cares fall away. We know that you feel you have so much to do, and so many people to please. Sit with us for a few, and let the burden that is on your heart melt away.

Sit comfortably within our presence. We are one.

Excerpt From: Mother Father God Chapter 1

:::

You are not other people’s expectations. You are not your past failures. You are not your negative thoughts. You are not your mistakes. You are not your flaws nor fears. You are not any of that. If you would drop those things for just a few moments you would notice absolute peace. That peace is the place where creation starts. That peace is the place where the spontaneity of our energy can spark. Together we bring new meaning to life.

Excerpt From: Mother Father God Chapter 8

:::

You think we cannot be reached. You think we judge what you do. You think in the darkest of nights and the lowest of days we are nowhere to be found. We want you to know that before you even went into your room to cry, or within your four walls to hide, or underneath your covers to shield yourself, we were right there. We were there encouraging you to stand within our energy.

Excerpt From: Mother Father God Chapter 10

:::

We Are The Best Of You. We are the surety in your steps. We are your confident stride. We are your bright ideas. We are the wellness of your body. We are the beat within your heart. We are the poise in your character. We are the light that shines from you.

Excerpt From: Mother Father God Chapter 11

I Believe That We Are All Connected

If you are reading this post, it’s because you were meant to read it. There is something in this book that is calling you. It’s uplifting, inspiring, carefully crafted, and meant to reach to the depths of your soul.

To order your copy direct from me (the author) just click the Mother Father God Icon Below. You will be directed to a website where you can purchase your copy today via PayPal.

Mother Father God E-Book

You will receive the EPUB and a PDF file via email after your PayPal payment is received. The E-Book will be emailed to the same email address used for your PayPal order. If it is past 10 pm EST please allow until the following business day to receive the E-Book via email.

Thank you so much for supporting my work. I hope you like reading Mother Father God as much as I enjoyed writing it!

If you prefer to donate instead – visit the Author Support page and follow the instructions under $ Monetary Donations $. Once your PayPal donation is received the Mother Father God E-Book will be emailed directly to the email address used in your PayPal order.

Thank you so much for reading!

If you like the article please don’t forget to hit like, share, & comment.

finished-heart Nay

Freedom Friday: The Year I Ruined Christmas

Set Yourself FreeMy Freedom Friday Post Is About Christmas Time

I don’t know why this incident has been on my mind lately, but nevertheless, I feel the need to acknowledge my feelings towards it, make amends with it, and let it go. That is what Freedom Friday posts are all about. This story happened when I was about 15 or 16 years old and it’s when my grandparents were living.

It was Christmas time and I remember telling my grandparents that all I wanted for Christmas was a cordless phone. I was a teenager and of course I wanted to be cool and fit in – which I am sure many of you can relate to.

Anyway, I remember attempting to go to bed about 11 pm on Christmas Eve and before I went to bed I went to check underneath the Christmas tree to see how many gifts I had received and what sizes they were.

When I went to check under the tree there was 1 gift. It was a small box and to me, it did not look like the cordless phone that I had spent two months prior telling my grandparents that I wanted. All I can say is – I Was Not Happy.

So I tried to go to bed but this irritating feeling was inside of me. My mind chatter was constant and I wasn’t able to go to sleep right away. I was thinking to myself, “this is crazy, they knew what I wanted, why didn’t they get me what I asked for, why would they get me a stupid gift instead of what I really wanted” – and on and on the negative chatter went.

I found myself getting up several times during the middle of the night to look at the box again. I even shook the box to see if I heard anything in it. The contents in the box didn’t make a sound – which made me even more frustrated.

I went back into my bedroom and then a little devil appeared on my shoulder and told me to go and open the gift. Now everything in my body told me not to do it. I stopped myself several times from walking into the living room by turning myself around and going back into my bedroom. I mean I almost literally was being pulled in the opposite direction. My conscious SCREAMED to me – donnnnnn’t do it!

Before I knew it I was in the living room, right next to the tree, tearing off mini pieces of the wrapping paper to try and get a sneak peak at what was inside the box. Once 10% of the paper was torn off, I figured I might as well just rip the bandaid (the other 90% of the wrapping paper) off.

I opened the present and would you believe that it was my cordless phone. The very gift that I said that I wanted. I smiled so hard that my face hurt. Once I got through the initial excitement I was then possessed to plug up the phone to charge it. Because you know that I had to be able to use it immediately.

So the gift’s open, the cordless phone is stretched across the living room floor, and my grandparents are waking up to see what the noise is in the living room.

My grandfather was the first one out of the room, and when he saw that I opened my gift he was so furious. He was devastated. He went on to say some things like, “he wanted to see me open it, and why would I do that, and why couldn’t I wait” or something of that nature.

My heart sank.

I was just an excited, eager, impatient kid, and I ruined Christmas for my grandparents. I still carry that with me to this day. I think about it all the time; especially when it gets close to Christmas time. I don’t know why I carry something so small and childish around, but I do. I guess it’s the look on his face that said – you disappoint me and ruined this Christmas, that makes it hurt the most. 

There was no way for me to take it back. I wish I hadn’t opened the gift. That day was one of my biggest regrets. I had what I wanted, but I had broken my grandfather’s heart. 

I want to say here and now that I am sorry grandpa for being so impatient, and for not waiting. I am sorry that you didn’t get to see the joy on my face when I opened my present. I want to thank You and Granny for getting me what I asked for even though you guys didn’t have a lot to give. I want to thank you for thinking of me and for considering what I really wanted. It meant the world to me. It really did. I only hope that I can put a smile on my child’s face as wide as the one that you gave to me that year.

I am ready to let that go with a heartfelt apology and an even more heartfelt thank you.

I love you!

finished-heartNay

Freedom Friday Introduction

Set Yourself Free

Welcome To Freedom Friday!

Sounds Cool – But What Is It?

Freedom Friday is where you get to come clean about the things that are heavy on your heart. Every Friday you get to come to this space and release any feelings that you may have pent up inside. This space is not a space for you to be judged or criticized. It’s not a space where you will be graded on your writing or red-marked for your spelling or grammar.

This space was created for you to release your pain through writing, to write about the things that give you a sense of freedom, and to express yourself freely. Sometimes we hold things in, and it winds up hindering our truest expression. The burden of such things weighs on us like a ton of bricks. Freedom Friday is a day where you have permission to lay that burden down.

This space is a space where you get to acknowledge your feelings, express them, make amends with them, and then set them free. It’s a purification exercise that I believe will free up some more space for your creative expression to flow more abundantly.

Are you ready to cleanse yourself of the feelings you have been holding inside? If so, don’t forget to click the “leave a comment” button at the top of the post, and share your story. If you prefer to share the post on your own blog please be sure to add the words Freedom Friday to your post & link back to this post.

Thank you for reading!

finished-heart Nay

Pieces Of My Writing Heart

Pieces Of My Writing Heart

Living From The Heart Day 10

Sometimes I don’t know what to do with this mangled heart of mine. There are pieces of me that were crushed by things that you would consider small. Pieces of me ripped away from their sense of security and belonging. I ask God sometimes, “what do you want with me? What can you do with these shattered pieces?”

In me resides broken dreams, unanswered prayers, and deep longings. Some of these things are hard to remember in detail, but I still feel their ghostly presence. I hear the faint whisper from them encouraging the most discouraging thoughts. There are also pieces of my heart that I cannot let go of. Those things are not easy to forget. They travel along with me everywhere that I go.

It is luggage that I carry along with me, and in return – refuses to get lost. They are remnants of that last good-bye that I never got to say, missed opportunities, failed relationships, and unhealthy exchanges. I can’t seem to shake some things loose. I see the things that I couldn’t fix as failures.

What To Do With These Pieces God?

I have many times tried to delete them – like I do to files on the computer that I no longer want.

But time after time again, life has proven that these files are un-deletable. Delete Delete Delete. Damn it; it doesn’t work.

For those of you who are out there trying that same method , let me save you some trouble. You can’t just get rid of the pieces of your life and heart that you don’t want. I’ve tried it.

So Again God, What To Do With These Pieces?

God responds to me in a gentle tone. I call this voice God because it just seems friendlier than my normal. Easier and more tenderhearted and approving of my missteps.

Well, you’ve always liked writing. Why not be vulnerable? Why not say what you feel? Why not let it out on some pages? There is relief and healing in expressing…

God Then Continues

You’ve always liked hearing inspirational stories. Why not create a few of your own?

You’ve always liked to talk around those you are most comfortable with. Why not write your heart out and let those who are comfortable with your essence find you?

You’ve always loved beautiful things. Why not create a space where you can observe beauty, the things that inspire you, and make you see the other side of the world? A space where people who feel just like you can go to take their mind off of their trouble, if only for a few moments a day. It will feel like eternity to them.

Don’t Try To Throw Yourself Away

You don’t have to throw your pieces away. They are the makeup of you.

They are what built your compassion. What helps you relate to what other people are going through.

Your struggles are what help you find solutions for those just like you who have felt lost.

But What If They Don’t Want My Pieces?

What if they don’t want to hear what I have to say? I am no expert or celebrity.

Just let your light shine anyway. No matter how small you “think” it is. Anyone can write words that people read. Maybe I am sharping your tools so that you can write words that people “actually hear”.

So Why So Many Tears God?

Tears water the soil.

Why Do I Feel So Sad Sometimes?

Sadness helps you feel joy after a while.

I Should Be Happy All The Time?

I am in a great position to express. Why don’t I feel that way all the time?

Because you want so bad to fit in, when all I want you to do is spread out.

You may never know whose watching. That one follower could know a lot of people. That one *like* could be the one that needs you or the one that you need.

God Finishes

Keep writing from your heart, and I will see to it that your broken pieces are mended. It may not always be in the way that you want it, but it’s always in the way that is needed.

{Love God}

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I wrote this article to show you why I write down what I feel and why I share these stories with you. It is healing sometimes for me to put a story to something that has broken my heart or to my feelings. Hopefully by seeing these stories you can take something away from my experiences. It’s not easy living from the heart at first. You are naked and feel like an baby that’s in a big new world. This is me, taking the things that hurt me the most or that fulfilled me and recording them. I am shining a light on some of my pains and some of my successes.

I don’t claim to be a guru or anyone that could even help you with your problems, but what I do know is that many days in my life I was in a very dark place. There were many times when I wanted to throw myself away. Literally, I wanted to end it all. There is a part of me that doesn’t want me to go yet. Not holding on to all of this pain in my heart. So everyday God shows me new pieces.

Pieces of my own shattered heart. God shines a light on them, which helps me write about them. My writing might not mean anything to anyone else, but it means everything to me. It helps me breathe. It helps me feel like I have something to share with this world and it helps me {even if for only a few moments a day} make sense of the pieces that I sometimes want to throw away.

I appreciate you taking the time to read this.

finished-heart Nay

Any Stories? I Would Love To Hear From You!

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