IT’S NOT EASY FOLLOWING YOUR DREAMS.
Well that is true from my perspective anyway.
For those of you out there that follow your dreams with ease – kudos to you!
I had a dream last night that I had a discussion about with my significant other. As we talked about the dream imagery, some really deep stuff surfaced.
In addition to writing, I love to create. I love the idea of creating a positive environment that stimulates new thoughts and that inspires people to follow their dreams not matter what. What I couldn’t figure out however, was even though I am following my heart, what in the world is holding me back?
I was trying to figure out – why – when I am putting my heart on the line trying to create something positive – is something trying to squeeze the life out of me and cause me to give up?
BY DECODING MY DREAM FROM LAST NIGHT, I FOUND SOME OF THE ANSWERS.
You see, when you don’t have any positive role models around to look up to – following your dreams is very difficult. When your background says that you shouldn’t be anything but someone’s assistant – it’s no wonder that when you try to be something more than that – the grip of fear holds you back.
I am sensitive and caring by nature. So when I think of creating my art, making a living, and building a positive business from scratch, I don’t just have myself in mind – I have a broader view.
I have seen the diseases of poverty, helplessness, resentment, alcoholism, and hardened hearts claim the lives of many of my family members (spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically). I have seen the female energy killed in my family by unruly, disrespectful, insensitive men. I have watched people in my family let go of their dreams to follow a righteous – socially acceptable path, and for me I have a hard time swallowing some of it.
It’s difficult to sit back and watch the people who you care about the most, suffer in their lives. It’s even more difficult when you feel that you can’t do anything about it. Because of all of that, I feel that that only thing I can do is try to prosper in my own life.
It’s no wonder though that when I try to step outside of that vicious cycle of poverty, abuse, and insensitivity – that the roots of my background snake around me and question, “where do you think you are going, who do you think you are, do you feel you are someone special or something?”
THE ANSWER IS YES.
I do think that I am meant to live a better life. I do think that I am meant to shine. I do think that despite the way some of my family members have continued to deaden their dreams, that I am meant to rise above it, but it’s not easy to do.
There are some strong females in my family. They will walk the earth strapped with their children on their backs, they will walk the line of fire to defend the ones they love, they will get down on their hands and knees to do manual labor to put a roof over our heads. Yes, they are physically strong – I give them that.
But ask them what they love to do? Ask them what has hurt them the most? Ask them where they envisioned their life going? Ask them to tell you what they are proud of? Ask them what sets their heart on fire? You’ll hear nothing but silence.
Ask them to hug you or to tell you they love you. Ask them to care for their children even after they turn 18 years old. Ask them to support you emotionally, show faith in your wildest dreams, and you will get nothing in return from them.
THE TRUTH IS – THEY DOn’t Know How TO feel and show their vulnerability.
They know how to provide. They know how to tough it out. They know how to just barely make it, but they don’t know how to show they care and that it’s okay not to be able to do it all. The women in my family are so use to being the men and fighting to survive that they don’t know what femininity means to them anymore. They don’t know what it means to let their guard down.
And then here I come – Ms. Do Good, trying to teach myself a different way, trying to show myself that it is okay to love and express, trying to prove to others that there is another way, trying to realize my dreams, trying to teach my son that he can make it no matter what, and all this time I feel like I am living a lie, because even though my heart says it’s doable – my past says it can’t be done. The negative spells (being beat down mentally) that were put on me while I was younger say, “you are out of your league – try something different”.
How is anyone supposed to work through the pull of that negativity? Especially, when no one close to her was able to do it? Where do I turn to? Who do I look up to?
Maybe some of you out there are going through the same struggle.
I HAVE TO HAVE FAITH IN SOMETHING BIGGER THAN ME.
I have to have faith that my dreams are meant to be. I have to have faith that there is a part of me that is more powerful than I can imagine. I have to believe that there are angels and guides that have filled the place of those family members that were not and are not around to support me. I have to believe that the call of my heart is more important than my thoughts of doubt.
That’s the only way to make it through.
I have to believe that I have a purpose here, and despite the tug of war going on inside, it will be brought to fruition.
I appreciate anyone who stops by to read what I write. I appreciate any comment, any like, and every follow. I realize that you can be anywhere, but you have given me your time and attention, and you don’t understand how by doing that – you are helping me believe in myself. It means the world to me to have someone take the time to write a comment. It gives me hope that I should stay in this, and continue towards building my dream.
Thanks for reading!