Freedom Friday: Manifesting The Space I Desire Most

Set Yourself FreeMy Freedom Friday Post Is About What I Desire Most

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For this Freedom Friday post I figured I’d share one of my dreams with you.

For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted a house.

Even when I was a preteen, I use to look through the pages of the magazines and catalogues that would come in the mail and visualize me walking through one of those beautiful mansions – that from my childhood perspective – seemed very easy to get. Through my childhood eyes, I needed nothing more than to wish for something, and one day it would appear (so I thought).

But my dream of owning a home wasn’t just to satisfy my materialistic needs. There is something about the thought of having a space of my own that just means the world to me. Something about the thought of building a warm, comfortable, inviting space that just gives me the feeling of purpose.

For some reason, I feel that I was made to create an inviting home.

Now I know that may sound crazy to some of you, but I cannot explain my strong desire to own my own home in any other way, other than I was born to obtain it.

It’s just like I felt about my son. I knew that I always wanted to be a mother. Life’s circumstances and many personal things caused me to not be able to have a child for a very long time. I was devastated when I hit the 30 year old mark and thought that my dream of becoming a mother would never happen. I even wrote a poem one day stating that “I wasn’t fit to be a mother”, that’s why God hadn’t given me a child yet. That could be the only reason from my perspective. I wanted a child sooooo bad, and God wouldn’t grant me that wish. So to me, I had done something wrong and I wasn’t fit to be a mom (in my mind).

I couldn’t understand why I would have such a huge desire in my heart and not be able to fulfill it. But on August 13th of this year – my son was born. I have never felt so alive in my entire life other than every moment of my pregnancy and everyday afterwards that I look at my son. It truly is a dream come true.

The desire for my home feels like the strong desire I had to have a son.

It’s more than just getting a house though. Sometimes, I don’t even know how to explain the strong desire, but I am going to try to, because part of me feels like I am standing in my way of receiving this blessings. So I figure if I just share what I dream of and why, it may somehow loosen up the resistance I have inside to receiving such a beautiful space.

I think part of the thing blocking my home is the fact that I am not completely comfortable with who I am yet. I always call “home” – the place inside where you are comfortable with who you are and what you do.

If I don’t feel at “home” with myself – there is no possible way that I can own my own home physically. I believe that alot of what we create has to do with the thoughts that we think and how we feel about ourselves. Lord knows if I could get some kind of grasp on how this whole spiritual/physical thing works, I would be unstoppable. I yearn for understanding. Not just to get things… but to feel like I belong here and like I have a purpose here. Ya know?

How can I feel at home with myself when I feel like I stripped myself of all financial security? The means for my living right now is being channelled through my husband. I haven’t made any money for myself in a few years – even though I have put my blood, sweat, and tears into my writing and other areas as well. It’s demoralizing to feel that I can’t support myself. It seems as if anything I try to do outside of a 9 to 5 job fails. As if the universe is saying, “you are only meant to work for or under someone else. You aren’t meant to be on your own or realize your own dreams.” It’s heartbreaking.

This is one of the big reasons why I haven’t received my home. I am not financially prepared (at all) to obtain such a thing. You would think that with such a huge desire to own my own space, that somehow I would start attracting circumstances to support that dream, but I haven’t been able to do it, and it’s just hurting me so bad.

But if there is one thing that I learned from having my son it’s that – my thoughts about it were mislead. I was worthy of having a son – it’s just that I thought I wasn’t because it was delayed.

Whenever I get discouraged about not getting something that my heart desires for my life, I try to remember a quote.

“Every delay is not a denial.” {Author Unknown}

God knows, that I desire nothing more right now than to own my own home. I don’t know why. I just have a strong urge inside. I am trying everything that I can to build that “home” internally first so that the result of that progress will then be the physical manifestation of my home.

It just feels like it’s taking an eternity, and I feel like I am so far away from it with no help or support as to how to reach the goal. I don’t know… maybe one day I will figure it out.

Sometimes we just have to let out how we feel. It doesn’t do us any good to keep our strongest feelings bottled up inside. I don’t think it does any good to complain all the time either. So I decided to just kind of put words to what’s going on inside. It helps me make sense of how I am feeling. That’s what writers do.

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Thanks for reading!

Are you ready to express yourself for Freedom Friday? If so, don’t forget to click the “leave a comment” button, and share your story. If you prefer to share the post on your own blog please be sure to add the words Freedom Friday to your post & link back to this post.

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