I had a dream last night that inspired this post.
For a while I have been interested in the feelings that we have and where they arise from.
For the past couple of weeks I have been experiencing panic attacks. They seemed to come out of the blue, and I couldn’t understand why I started to get them. The only other time I ever had such a thing happen was a couple of years ago when I thought I was pregnant, and wasn’t adequately prepared (financially) to have a child.
Other than that – I have never had panic attacks before.
So they started coming out of nowhere, and I decided to try and figure out what the hell was going on inside of me to cause me to have 25 minute panic attacks.
While decoding someone’s dream yesterday, I defined what evil and darkness really is. I called evil and darkness – a loss of light, fear of uncertainty, fear of the unknown, loss of control, and thoughts and circumstances that cause you to lose touch with your “God-Self” or your “Light-Self”.
Decoding that dream helped me realize what my panic attacks were in relation to. For the past couple of years I have been going through some major transformations. My foundation is shifting, my thoughts and beliefs are too, and everything that I was taught to be true about life is now being called in for questioning.
When you are trying to better yourself and break old habits, the “familiar” in you doesn’t want to go so easily. The “familiar” in me is the part that holds on for dear life because to get rid of the “familiar things” would (in my mind) somehow mean the death of me. Which isn’t the slightest bit true.
The situations that I am going through right now have opened up the floodgates of fear. I am learning all of this new material that doesn’t quite fit with the way that I’ve been taught. But somehow, I know that it’s necessary for me to move on from my old ways of thinking. They are no longer serving me, nor helping me move towards the life I am trying to grow into.
With great change comes more responsibility. Being responsible for my own life is one of the hardest things that I am learning how to cope with. You mean to tell me that I am responsible for creating my own reality?
You have got to be kidding me. You mean to tell me that I can no longer blame things on my upbringing. Shoot me now. You mean to tell me that I can no longer blame God for the awful things that have happened in my life? It’s all up to me? I don’t think so.
How can anyone deal with all of that information coming at them faster than a freight train?
No wonder I’m having panic attacks. I am being asked to cultivate things within me that I never even knew existed – like in real life.
Allow the universe to show you its magic?
What the hell does that mean?
You don’t have to work so hard; it can be easy?
Are you kidding me? I’ve worked hard all my life, and for very little at times.
All you need is inside of you?
You mean my happiness doesn’t have anything to do with my job, my husband, or the things that I receive? I’ve searched for this shit everywhere, and it’s been here all that time?
The truth is, I’ve learned that all the answers are really inside.
How you feel about your life is very telling. Not only does it tell you what you are currently putting out into the universe, it also gives you a clear picture of your future.
So how do you get a hold on those “out of control” feelings – those feelings that seem to manifest out of nowhere – no matter how hard you try to get rid of them?
The first thing that you have to realize is that you have everything you are seeking, inside of you. You have compassion inside, you have forgiveness inside, and you have understanding inside.
You just haven’t exercised that power.
Last night in the middle of my panic attack I was feeling so helpless. I did something that my inner being encouraged me to do.
I turned inside.
I balled up my fist, put my hand of my heart, closed my eyes, and repeated,
If I don’t have anything else, I have myself.
It took only a few minutes to soothe my anxious heart. My breathing slowed down, my heart-rate returned to normal, and I could feel knots of tension release from my body. I knew in those moments that I could go to that place within – at any time. I had experienced a new place inside of myself. A place of truth – my inner sanctum.
That is what my soul was calling from me. It was calling me to recognize my ability to turn my thoughts of panic and fear into knowing and reassurance. It was calling me to realize that I could find my way “home” quicker and that I didn’t have to feel helpless when any sign of panic showed up. It was calling me to realize that I didn’t have to wander around in the darkness afraid.
Once you learn to define what you are experiencing, you take the eeriness out of it.
So here it goes – My panic attacks are happening because I am going through a period of darkness. By darkness, I don’t mean that there are creatures out to get me, that I’m possessed, or that I am doomed.
All darkness is, is the navigation through one’s life – without the proper light.
My optimism, faith, and trust is not there because I am in a stage of the unknown. I’ve never navigated through a sea this strong before, and I’m afraid.
I’ve never stepped up and declared what I wanted out of life – without anyone’s input.
I’ve never dropped all things before to follow my dreams.
I’ve never been without a job and called from myself the strength to move forward alone as my own boss.
I’ve never told the truth inside about not feeling right about some of the things I was taught.
Yet now, I am in the middle of all of this transformation – seemingly alone.
I am learning to find my way “home” in the midst of darkness. I am learning how to navigate through uncertain periods. You don’t have to know which way the wind is going to blow. You just have to know how to navigate the ship.
This realization does not mean that I will never experience anymore panic attacks. It just means that when you look inside, you have a deeper understanding of yourself and the world around you, and it makes more of a difference than you may think. Looking inside helped me steady myself in the middle of a terrible panic attack. It helped me realize that the place inside I experienced is always there. It helped me realize that I don’t need anyone or anything outside of myself to feel whole. All you have is right inside. Sometimes the circumstances have to get unstable enough for you to actually seek & find.
Thank you for reading!
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