Day 5: Living From The Heart

Day 5

Starting It Off

Living from the heart means being honest. Honest about your feelings, your experiences, and what you are going through. When I started this challenge I in no way shape or form thought that I was going to be 100% positive all of the time. It’s just not possible. Instead, I know that I am going to make mistakes, fall back into old patterns, and probably throw a couple of things out of frustration.

The whole point of this process is not to be perfect. It’s to learn to channel my emotions into a direction that is better for me and those around me. If I can learn to get some kind of grip on my emotions – then and only then – will I be able to express genuinely and in way that people connect with.

With That Said

I want to share something with you. I shed a few tears as I was writing this letter to Hannah Brencher – creator of moreloveletters.com. I got to the point today where I was just tired of being unseen and unheard. I wrote a letter being brutally honest about what I am going through. I am sure Hannah has a bunch of letters to look through, and I am not even sure that she will get mine, but I had to do something to reach out for some help.

Here is the letter that I wrote to Hannah. It is the letter in its entirety. I don’t like spelling mistakes so I did correct a couple of the things that I spelled wrong in the letter, but the rest of the letter is exactly what I wrote to her. I am sharing this with you because it’s the truth.

I welcome your comments and feedback.

I am just at a point in my life where I am trying to reinvent and break new ground while battling some very strong demons that are holding me back. So here it is.

Sign

Letter To Hannah

Dear Hannah,

I know you must be inundated with requests from people all over the world who want to hear some words from your loving heart. I am one of those people. I can only hope that somehow through the bundle of emails you receive, my heart connects with yours and you find time enough to send a reply. No matter how short or how long – I appreciate it. 

I don’t know where to begin. I guess I will start by saying my life feels like a mess for no one particular reason at all. The heaviest things on my heart right now are the inability to find my place in this world and  feeling like a failure. 

Almost 3 years ago I quit my job. It was a secure position with great benefits and I was working my way up the ladder to really make a difference in that financial institution. There, they always considered me a team leader, even though I often shied away from the role. One day after being told again at my job that I was too quiet, something hit me – why couldn’t I just be me. The one behind the scenes that gave the members the kind of dedication and service they deserved. The one whose value didn’t show in the selling of products, but in the customers who called back and said, “I’ve never been treated so properly in all of my life.” 

Instead my sales numbers were too low. I was constantly scolded for it and for not taking the position as a team leader. I wasn’t selling enough and the way I chose to involve myself with the group wasn’t good enough either. Everyone use to come to me for help, like I was the manager, but because I wasn’t loud, boisterous, and outspoken like some of my other colleagues, my other skills went unnoticed. I winded up being late often and my performance started slipping because I was miserable. So I quit. Not to spite them, but so that I would no longer be a burden to that company with my foul mood and insecurities. 

I must say that decision was one of the worst and the best decisions I ever made in my life. The worst because I lost my financial freedom. The best because I actually had time to focus on my writing. I love to write. I love to express. No matter how raw, dirty, or enormously loving it may be. There is something about forming words into a story that just has my heart.

The weight of my bills piling up is too heavy to bear. I am a rather morally responsible individual and it’s killing me not to be able to fulfill the promise that I made to the people who loaned me credit and expect me to keep that promise. 

When I try to go back into the job market I feel like it tears me apart. I tasted the freedom and now I feel like I can’t go back. But I feel like some part of me can’t move forward in my fullest expression until I mend something. The part that feels like I betrayed my co-workers, my family, my tradition, and my obligations. The truth is, no matter how hard I try I just don’t fit into the corporate life. I would love to make a living writing, but I can’t seem to connect with people in the way that I really would like to. I try, I pour my heart out, and try to remain genuine. But there is a demon that keeps whispering to me… you’ll never make it, this isn’t God’s calling for you, you’ll never win, your not living genuinely. I am stuck in the deepest darkest part of my soul. Stretching and reaching out for help, and the help is no where to be found. 

I’ve felt God before, but for some reason since I quit my job I feel like God left me a little bit. I know that’s not true, but I feel locked out of God’s heart. Even though I try so hard to find my way back home. 

I am not sure what you can say, but I know the feeling you get when you don’t know what to say at first, but then the right words just come to you. I am not asking you to fix my life. I am just reaching out for that connection that I know is there regardless of what my demons are whispering to me. I know it just takes a different perspective and your whole life can change. I’m just asking for your perspective. 

Love Renee

Sign

That was as honest as it gets.

Everyone goes through things. I just think that we need some help along the way. I am not perfect and I make mistakes, but I am trying to fix them to make my life better.

I welcome your feedback.

finished-heart Nay

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